For those of you who don't know, I'm currently a graduate student going to school at night and interning during the day. For my summer semester, I had the opportunity to intern full-time at D1 Sports Training, an elite sports training company known for its NFL co-owners such as Peyton Manning, Philip Rivers, and Mike Vrabel, and high-profile clients like Florida Gators (now, Denver Bronco) quarterback, Tim Tebow. There was no way I was going to pass this up. So, since April, I've been averaging 45 hour work weeks... for free. I had some money saved from coaching club volleyball and teaching lessons that would pay the rent for the summer, and ran a few volleyball clinics to help pay for groceries. I did what I could without burning out to survive. But the inevitable was bound to happen.
The money would, at some point, run out.
And last week, it did.
I knew the money was slowly disappearing with every tank of gas I filled and grocery run I made. But when I paid the electric bill and checked my account on Sunday, reality struck. $440 was left in my account with rent due ($419.66) on August 1st. No money for food, for gas, for.. anything. My loans for school were coming in, but not until the end of August. I was in trouble. Could I live for over a month on $20?
I haven't slept that poorly in almost a year. I tossed, turned, and was haunted by nightmares the entire night (most not even having anything to do with my current situation). I woke up multiple times and tried to create a plan for not only the current situation but also all of the uncertainties that lay ahead. That's how my anxiety works. It's never just the here and now. It's always the future, the plan (that I can't control), and all the uncontrollable factors that may come my way. I used to have serious problems with it in the past, worrying and stressing to the point of physical sickness, but I haven't had a flare up in a couple years. This one caught me by surprise.
I spent most of Monday in bed. After my morning run, I literally crawled back into bed and didn't move. I was paralyzed by all that I had to do to figure it out. My cupboards were empty, room was messy (which always adds to my anxiety), and I had no idea what I was going to do. I called my mom, cried a bunch, and listened to her every word of encouragement. (See my last blogpost.) It didn't take away all of my fear, but it did point my focus in the right direction.
Up.
The beginning of anxiety is the end of faith.
The beginning of faith is the end of anxiety.
The beginning of faith is the end of anxiety.
As I read this phrase over and over (its on my desk, a birthday present from my mom), I realized (as I always do) that my worry adds nothing to my life, but only takes away my peace and ability to trust in God's plan for my life.
I decided to pray, consistently, for the trust that I have learned (from experience) to have in the Lord. Something will work out. He will take care of You, Christina. He always does. My Mom's words stuck in my head. I figured it was more important to pray for my faith and ability to trust than it was to pray for a miracle. I needed to trust Him - miracle or not.
Three days passed. No doors opened, no work came up, and to top it off, I found out the county wouldn't pay me for high school coaching until the end of the season. "I trust You" was the hardest phrase to utter each day.
And then, it happened.
Hi, Christina, it's Kim. Tracey gave me your number and told me to call you. I was supposed to run a volleyball clinic next week for a middle school, but no longer can keep my commitment. Can you run it for me? You will be paid $50 per girl. Give me a call back, we'll chat details.
I listened to the message probably seven times. Next week? Fifty dollars PER girl? Is this a joke? So I listened to the message again. I did the math in my head. I was just offered more money than I had made all summer.
I didn't call Kim right back. I couldn't. I was too busy sitting in my car, crying.
The words of Isaiah kept running through my mind:
Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you.
I've called your name. You're mine.
When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you.
When you're in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you're between a rock and a hard place, it won't be a dead end
Because I am God, your personal God.
Isaiah 43:2-3 (Message)
I've called your name. You're mine.
When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you.
When you're in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you're between a rock and a hard place, it won't be a dead end
Because I am God, your personal God.
Isaiah 43:2-3 (Message)
He is my God. My personal God. And He holds me in the palm of His hands.
---
I still don't have the words to articulate how I feel. I feel as though words might not be necessary here. Can you imagine how I feel? Have you ever been there? At the end of your rope, wondering if there is an answer for the problems you face? Is it money issues? Family issues? A need that hasn't been filled in years, let alone days?
Trusting in God isn't about the miracle that could happen; it's about the security that remains constant. You are in His hands. No matter how rough the seas or dark the sky, He holds you.
God will provide.
Do not fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.
Philippians 4:6-7 (The Message)
Philippians 4:6-7 (The Message)
