A Year in Review: 2010

Like so many people, I have spent my morning reflecting on what this past year has meant to me. I couldn't have imagined all that came my way, the successes I'd have and the tragedies I'd face.

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No, this isn't a giant pat on the back to myself. What I accomplished and experienced was through merely the grace of God and, for some reason, he decided to bless me with incredible opportunities. May this post shine as a "My God is so good" post. May it point you to Him and not me.

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There's no way I can ever say it all, so here's an understated summary of 2010:

I finally listened to God's call and joined a community group.

Weekly I was able to see what Biblical community looked like, and I lived it.

I learned that leading is merely serving, and serving is completely selfless.

I won a State Championship.

I sifted through photos of a family I had never met, trying to find at least one not destroyed by the flood.

I finally bought a Contributor.

I learned a homeless man's name, and told him mine.

I worked with NFL athletes.

I went on vacation with 13 people I didn't even know six months before.

I had the swine flu, pneumonia and bronchitis all at the same time... and survived.

I coached five volleyball teams and, for the first time in my career, had more wins than losses.

I shared some dark parts of my heart, and experienced love in spite of it.

I witnessed light shining into dark places.

I made some really dumb decisions, and a few really good ones.

I ran my first 5k.

I broke my foot.

I worked in a bakery, as a nanny, and a dog sitter in addition to my career endeavors.

I was forgiven.

I forgave.

I finally knew what it was like to have real friends.

I taught, and was taught.

Led, and followed.

I saw a flood devastate communities.

I saw hope overcome hopeless situations.

I told someone who Jesus was, while sitting in his flood-damaged house.

I learned how to love, and be loved in return.

I cried, a lot.

I witnessed miracles.

I saw people leave church barefoot in order than someone might have shoes.

I saw our brand new church turn into flood headquarters.

I saw someone put their last dollar in their car to have enough gas to get to our community group.

I saw needs met, hearts healed, and love poured out.

I found my home in Nashville.

I saw God make beautiful things out of broken, empty situations.


Now I have no idea what all will happen in 2011, but I do know that God is not yet finished with me. The year has potential of several changes, possible moves, and career changes but I know it's all in His hands. Regardless of what comes my way, God is faithful. He always has been. 2010 is proof of that. I've never had reason not to trust Him. And that is something worth trusting in.

Week 1: Acts

For those of you who read my post last Wednesday, you know I've set out to read the Bible in the next sixty-six weeks (reading a book per week), and it all started with the book of Acts. With my first week complete of Project 66, there are some serious observations I made about myself and my commitment to the Word.

1. I couldn't tell you the last time I read the Bible every day, for seven days straight.

This breaks my heart to say this. As a leader, role model, and someone who people genuinely look to for advice and guidance, it's unbelievable to me how a basic principle in Christian faith has been missing for such a long time.

2. Reading the Word changes you.

No kidding. You are sitting there asking yourself, "Is she for real? Is she just now realizing this?" The answer is no. I've known the Word of God changes your life since it first changed mine at a young age. The reality is I've just been too selfish and lazy to take the time to allow it to these days. But, over the course of this past week, I have seen changes in my attitude, my speech, and my overall outlook on life. My priorities, different. My focus, changed. If seven days can do that, imagine what the next 455 days will look like. (Yes, I did the math just for you.)

3. Acts is an extraordinary book to start this journey on.

As many of you know, my community group at church has been digging into what an intentional, Biblical lifestyle would look like. It's a radical difference in comparison to today's modern church, but, when compared to the Bible, it is completely normal. To start this journey with Acts seems a little too perfect (well, my next pick followed suit..). Being challenged by what the church looked like from the start was eyeopening to say the least. There's no way I can summarize what reading Acts was for me here in a blog. All I know is that it was a perfect way to start not only challenging myself to read the Bible, but to live it.

And my next random draw?

Ephesians.

Good News

'Tis the season.

I couldn't count how many times I say or hear this phrase these days.

Buying ridiculous things for ridiculous prices...
Eating extra desserts and skipping the gym...
Scheduling 6 different holiday parties...
...and ensuring you're exhausted until January 17... 'tis the season, right?

And then, there are the songs.

It's the most wonderful time of the year!
...parties for hosting, marshmallows for toasting, and caroling out in the snow...

And we buy it, don't we?

If we get that great gift, or host that perfect party, it will be the absolutely most wonderful time of the year. The more people you're around, the more exhausted you are, the more successful the Christmas season will be.

Honestly? I can't argue with that. Starting this Friday I'm booked solid until I fly to visit my family (where I will, most definitely, be booked solid as well). Friday marked for me the beginning of the most wonderful time of the year.

Until my phone went off this morning. It was a dear friend of mine from college. Why she was texting me at 6am, I was rather curious.

"Can you pray for my family? My aunt and uncle were killed last night and my cousin is in critical care."

That's all the text read.

Still think it's the most wonderful time of the year?

Merry Christmas, an entire branch of her family is gone.
Killed.
What's worse?
It was a murder-suicide.

Her uncle shot his wife and daughter, then turned the gun on himself.

A unbelievably harsh reality during a season we all hope to use as an escape.

But let me plea with you. Just because it is Christmas, it is not automatically merry. Just because people smile and hum along with the songs played in Target, it does not mean they are jolly.

For many, Christmas is a reminder of just how dark their world really is.
For some, Christmas unveils the deepest hurts a person has experienced.

Just three days ago I received my friend's Christmas card and posted it on my fridge. We talked and I hoped to see her while I was back in Boston for Christmas.
Grab a cup of coffee.
Talk about life.
Get excited about all that's going on for each of us.

But now?
I want to rush to her house.
Embrace her.
Cry with her.
Ask God to give her comfort and strength in such a dark time.

A dark time?

But it's Christmas.

Today, people still bustled about.
Credit cards were swiped.
Holiday jingles played in every store.
Everyone around me went on with their day as if Christmas made them immune to life's cruelties.

But life doesn't take a holiday.
Usually, it gets a little darker, sharper, and little more lonely this time of year.

Tonight at a coffee shop I heard "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" at least three times. It took all I had within me to not burst into tears in the middle of Barnes & Noble.

No, it's not.
It is not the most wonderful time of the year.
Not for my friend, for her family, or for her cousin that is struggling to survive in ICU. Even if she wakes up, her father tried to kill her and succeeded in killing her mom and himself.

But the cruel reality?
This isn't the only death that will take place this Christmas.
This isn't the only family that will feel heartbreak and confusion while others skip about through stores.
This isn't the only dark moment in what is supposedly the brightest of times.

But, the good news?
Yes, exactly.

The good news.

The good news is that Christmas has nothing to do with feeling jolly, or seasonal lattes, jewelry, big screen TVs, and a new Lexus.
It has nothing to do with the material craze we obsess over on Black Friday.
It has absolutely nothing to do with how many presents you can get or give away.

No, the good news is that although we are desperate, we are given hope.
The good news is that humanity has always been desperate, and God gave us a way out.
The good news is that God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son.
The good news is the reason we celebrate.

Jesus.
He is the Good News.

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And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them and the glory of the Lord shone around them and they were terrified. But the angel said to them,

"Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."

Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,

"Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on who his favor rests."

Luke 2:8:-14

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So, whether you're familiar with the story or not, let me encourage you to dig into the Good News this Christmas season. It's a story with hope for the hopeless, light for those in darkness, and truth for those desperately in need. A Savior was born. A light was shone. Be encouraged this Christmas, for there is Good News.

Project 66

Reading the Bible.

From the first day of "becoming a Christian" I was told to read the Bible.
Root myself in the Word.
Stand on the Lord's promises.
Day one I knew the Bible was rather important.

And although I could spout off Bible knowledge and memorized verses to you, my commitment to reading the Word is shaky. I don't get up every morning and read it. I'd rather spend my time reading Max Lucado and C.S. Lewis books... but the Bible?

Pardon me as I yawn.

My faith is of utmost importance to me. It has been my foundation since I was little. God has been faithful through the most trying of times, and through everything I have learned that committing my life to Him and living it out in such a way that people see Him through me is worth it.

Go on missions trips to share the Gospel? Yes.
Lead worship? You got it.
Start an FCA chapter in college? Done.
Be a community group leader and challenge others to grow in their faith? I love it.
But wake up in the morning and spend some time in the Word? ...maybe tomorrow.

It is baffling to me that I am so incredibly unfaithful in the little things. So many days I sit and wonder what my life would be like if I would have just committed to being rooted in the Word.

What if I spent time with Him daily?
Who could I have impacted if my focus was on eternity?
How would my life be different if I understood the character of God a little more?

But I'm done asking questions.

The other day, my friend Kenlyn started a blog called Project 66. It is a challenge she has placed on herself to commit to reading the Bible in the span of 66 weeks (due to the 66 books of the Bible). She put all the names of the books of the Bible on separate cards and will draw, at random, a new book every week to study.

The moment I read her post, I knew I had to do it as well. I quickly texted her, asked her blessing to spread the challenge to others, and prepared for my own Project 66 to start.

My Project 66 will last December 1 (2010) - March 6 (2012). Not only will I dig in to the Bible, but I will also blog about each book weekly. I encourage you to not only follow along with my progress but also along with Kenlyn's. Her blog can be found here.

So, today starts week one of my journey into rooting myself in the Word of God.

My first draw?

The Book of Acts.

This is going to be good.

Champs, Travel, & Christmas

I thought today was perfect to do something a little different here on the blog. Typically, I focus on the spiritual side of my life, what we're digging into at Stretch, Cross Point, or within my own personal one on one time with the Lord.

Those things are great, and trust me, you may get way more out of those posts than this one. But today, I feel like I just need to share my excitement with you all.

Lately, life has been good. And the next two months are looking at being just as great. So I thought today I would selfishly use my blog to share my excitement!





First - on October 29, 2010 my Ravenwood Raptor Volleyball girls won the Tennessee Division 1 AAA State Championship! This is highest, biggest division in the state, and still, one week later, I cannot believe we did it! I am so unbelievably proud of them and honored to be on the coaching staff. Proud of you girls!!!

Not much can top that, but we'll see how these next two months pan out.

This weekend marks the beginning of the new volleyball club here in Nashville, Club West Nashville. Club West is a volleyball namesake in California, known for having some of the best training and volleyball players in the country. The great news? One of my best friends in the volleyball world is the one planting it here! I'm on staff as the 12U National coach. Twelve year olds! I cannot wait to teach and share my love for the game with the youngest players we have. What an opportunity!

Next weekend I will be traveling with some of my best friends to the beautiful Smoky Mountains for a mini-vacation. So many of us have had hectic schedules this fall, and it just couldn't come at a better time! Seriously cannot wait to spend 4 days in the woods with these people. What a blessing it is to have great people in my life!

The next weekend after that, my best friend from home is flying in for her week long vacation and we're heading to Cocoa Beach and Orlando, Florida for Thanksgiving. My high school volleyball coaches live there now and lucky for me, it's only a half day's drive! Sun, Disney, volleyball, and Thanksgiving with my second family. Perfect!

Christmas in New Hampshire! Then, of course, it's time for walking in winter wonderlands, sleigh bells, and roasting [marshmallows] on an open fire. Yes, I'll be dreaming of a white Christmas and I'll get it! Because I'll be home for Christmas!

Oh, and in between it all, I'll be seeing shows such as Needtobreathe, Dave Barnes, Tyler Hilton, Brooke Frasier.

Again, I think this year's end is looking pretty.
[Minus the certification tests, and grad school finals staring me in the face. But we're not thinking about that today! ;) ]

Counting the Cost

Too often we have been told that becoming a Christian is as simple as saying a prayer to ask Jesus into our hearts. For me, this happened at the age of 4. Jesus coming into my heart was explained as an unbelievably joyous time that all will be better because He now resides there. Nobody told me that when He "moved in" He was going to completely and utterly change the landscape of not only my heart, but of my entire being. I no longer could be the me I so carefully planned to be. I understand that the Kindergarten "altar call" I heard wouldn't have gone over well if Mrs. Burke had said, "I hope you know your life as you know it is now completely over!"

But in all reality, wasn't it?

Jesus tells us to die to self, carry a cross, sell all we have, and follow Him. As a 4 year old (and honestly, as a 23 year old), that's not in the personal game plan. If I truly let Jesus in (whether that had been in Kindergarten or now in my twenties), my life is completely over.

But for some reason, we aren't told that when we are given the "good news." Evangelists and pastors today tend to be so focused on numbers rather than on true transformation (but that's a topic for later discussion), that we have constantly been told that with Jesus there is joy, hope, and peace in such a dark, hopeless world. Not that I don't agree, because with Him does come the truest form of joy, hope, and peace, but how dare we leave out the true cost of Christianity: transformation. And here in the South is the worst. Never have I met more Christians who love a Jesus that will make them more prosperous, more blessed, and more comfortable. In all honesty, I am unsure of what Jesus they are following.

Transformation is not comfortable. Change is not pleasant. Yet Jesus, the Jesus of the Bible, calls us to change, live a transformational life, and be not of this world. I'm unsure if most Christians have been challenged to count the cost. This Jesus might ask everything of them.

When it comes to "counting the cost," few articulate it better than C.S. Lewis.

Here are a few excerpts from C.S. Lewis in Mere Christianity:

I find a good many people have been bothered by what I said about Our Lord's words, ''Be ye perfect". Some people seem to think this means "Unless you are perfect, I will not help you", and as we cannot be perfect, then, if He meant that, our position is hopeless. But I do not think He did mean that. I think He meant "The only help I will give is help to become perfect. You may want something less: but I will give you nothing less."

If you give Him an inch, He will take an ell. Dozens of people go to Him to be cured of some one particular sin which they are ashamed of or which is obviously spoiling daily life. Well, He will cure it all right: but He will not stop there. That may be all you asked; but if once you call Him in, He will give you the full treatment. That is why He warned people to "count the cost'' before becoming Christians. "Make no mistake," He says, "if you let me in, I will make you perfect. The moment you put yourself in My hands, that is what you are in for. Nothing less, or other, than that. You have free will, and if you choose, you can push Me away. But if you do not push Me away, understand I am going to see this job through."

Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently he starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of- throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.

The command "Be ye perfect" is not idealistic gas. Nor is it a command to do the impossible. He is going to make us into creatures that can obey that command. He said (in the Bible) that we were 'gods' and He is going to make good His words. If we let Him- for we can prevent Him, if we choose- He will make the feeblest and filthiest of us into a god or goddess, a dazzling, radiant, immortal creature, pulsating all through with such energy and joy and wisdom and love as we cannot now imagine, a bright stainless mirror which reflects back to God perfectly (though, of course, on a smaller scale) His own boundless power and delight and goodness. The process will be long and in parts very painful, but that is what we are in for. Nothing less. He meant what He said.


Some of us may have been fed the idea that once a Christian, life gets easy. Or once a Christian, everything straightens out. We could sit together for days telling stories of how that is absolutely not true. Once a Christian, though, something very specific takes place: God intends to transform us. Asking Jesus into our heart might not be as Sunday-school fun as we so often paint it out to be. Jesus comes in to shake our foundation, knock walls down, and completely rebuild us. He says "be perfect" and then shows us how. He intends to change us, to make us able to be perfect.

Christianity is not always as feel-good as many sugar coat it to be: but oh, it is worth it. Living a Christian life is as simple as this: allowing Christ into our lives to rip apart and break down all that we have built ourselves to be, and then rebuild us in His likeness.

Painful? Definitely.
Completely and utterly life-changing? You bet.
Worth it? Absolutely.

So take a second and count the cost.
Because He intends to make you perfect.

Matthew 5:48
"Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect."

Safe with the Shepherd

Unrest.
We've all felt it.
You're probably feeling it this very moment.
Unsettled. Worried. Nervous. Anxious.

You want security. Peace. Comfort.

You've searched in all the wrong places and found one constant: it never satisfies.

Let me share with you what does. (And let me open with words from author Max Lucado - he tends to articulate best what is tugging on our hearts):

Come with me to the most populated prison in the world. The facility has more inmates than bunks. More prisoners than plates. More residents than resources. Come with me to the world's most oppressive prison. Just ask the inmates; they will tell you. They are overworked and underfed. Their walls are bare and bunks are hard. No prison is so populated, no prison so oppressive, and, what's more, no prison is so permanent. Most inmates never leave. They never escape. They never get released. They serve a life sentence in this overcrowded, underprovisioned facility.

The name of the prison? You'll see it over the entrance. Rainbowed over the gate are four cast-iron letters that spell out its name:

W-A-N-T.

The prison of want. You've seen her prisoners. They are "in want." The want something. They want something bigger. Nicer. Faster. Thinner. They want. They don't want much, mind you. They want just one thing. One new job. One new car. One new house. One new spouse. They don't want much. They want just one. And when they have "one," they will be happy. And they are right- they will be happy. When they have "one," they will leave the prison. But then it happens. The new-car small passes. The new job gets old. The neighbors buy a larger television set. The new spouse has bad habits. The sizzle fizzles, and before you know it, another ex-con breaks parole and returns to jail.

Are you in prison? You are if you feel better when you have more and worse when you have less. You are if joy is one delivery away, one transfer away, one award away, or one makeover away. If your happiness comes from something you deposit, drive, drink, or digest, then face it - you are in prison, the prison of want.

That's the bad news. The good news is, you have a visitor. And your visitor has a message that can get you paroled. Make your way to the receiving room. Take your seat in the chair, and look across the table at the psalmist David. He motions for you to lean forward.

"I have a secret to tell you," he whispers, "the secret of satisfaction. 'The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want"(Psalm 23:1).

David has found the pasture where discontent goes to die. It's as if he is saying, "What I have in God is greater than what I don't have in life." You think you and I could learn to say the same?

So, are you in prison? Are you ready to get out?

Are you ready to be rid of discontent?

It all begins in Psalm 23. As Lucado pointed at, it's as simple as this:

The LORD is my Shepherd; I shall not want.

So let me pose this question: is He your shepherd?

Before we can discuss the green pastures you lie in, the quiet waters He leads you by, or the fact that your cup can overflow, we must first establish whether or not He is your Shepherd.

Because if the LORD is your Shepherd, you shall not be in want.

If He is our Shepherd, we know His voice.
If He is our Shepherd, we have peace.
If He is our Shepherd, we have security.
If He is our Shepherd, we don't have to look elsewhere for anything.
If He is our Shepherd, we are not in want.
We are safe with the Shepherd.

Is someone posing as a shepherd in your life? If you are feeling unrest, I can bargain you are. If you're hoping for the next best thing in life to finally fill that need, I can see the signs. What have you let become your shepherd? What voice are you listening to most? What voice do you know better than any other? Is His voice the one you hear, listen to, and are comforted by?

Is He your shepherd?

If not, what is?

It's time to stop listening to the other voices more often. It's time to stop immersing yourself in the lies of our culture, your jobs, and the people around you. It's time for you to realize you will never be filled by them. Nothing on this earth can satisfy you. Nothing. It's time for you to realize you are safe. Safe with the Shepherd.

But realizing it is only the first step. Action must be taken. Change must take place.

So, how does He become your Shepherd?

He becomes your shepherd once you know Him better than all the posers and empty promises you've let lead you. He becomes your shepherd once you listen to His voice more than the shouting lies you've been convinced by your entire life. He becomes your shepherd when you study His character. When you know His tendencies. When you know His story. And he becomes your shepherd when you sit at His feet.

So go ahead.
Lie down.
Rest.
Be carefree.
Be safe.

Just like a sheep at the feet of its shepherd.

Approval Addicts: Where's My Husband?

Today's post is written by a friend of mine, Sari Casper. Like the others who've shared their stories this week, Sari is in my young adult "small group" at Cross Point and has been digging into the issue of idols, empty promises, and searching for approval in all the wrong places.

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In who or in what do you find your approval? Will you feel accepted once you reach your goal weight, find the “one” that pledges to love you forever, be in the “in crowd”, or maybe land the perfect job? And what happens if none of those things ever occur? Do we feel worthless, and undeserving of anything good in life? This is a tough topic to discuss when you realize YOU are guilty of searching for acceptance in all the wrong places.

Being in my mid twenties I often find myself thinking about my future husband. When am I going to meet him, why haven’t I met him yet, what am I doing wrong God, oh he looks cute maybe he’s the one, and so forth and so on. God created man and woman to be together as one so it only makes sense that I would like to get married someday…preferably soon. But is it really an innate desire I’m aching for or a desire that will make me finally feel like I’ve made it in this world? I’ll finally have a man who thinks I’m beautiful just the way I am, a man who wants me and only me, a man who thinks I’m absolutely perfect and wouldn’t change a thing about me if he could.

What happened between the time I was a child and where I am now? What happened to the unconditional love I received from my parents and the lessons about how much God loves me and that His love is sufficient enough? Why must we chase after the approval of others in order to feel like we have meaning in our lives?

I can’t answer these questions because I’m struggling with them myself. The only thing I know is that every time I find myself asking God why he hasn’t given me a husband yet, I only hear Him asking me “Why aren’t I enough?”

He’s not enough because I don’t know Him like I’ll know my husband. I don’t know Him like I know my friends who I’m seeking approval from. His approval means nothing because He’s not a constant in my life. Sure I know in my head that He loves me and that’s all that matters, but in my heart it’s a different story.

So where do I go from here? How do I get to that point where He is enough, where my value comes from Him and Him alone? It starts with the basics of a relationship. It’s easy to find your value from others because you see them, you talk to them and you know what it takes to fit in with them. Imagine if I knew Jesus like I know my best friends? Imagine the absolute, unending love I would find in just being me.

So that is my desire. To know Jesus as if He were right here watching my favorite tv show with me. I want Him to be my best friend. Perhaps then I won’t be worried about whether I’ll ever get married or ever reach my goal weight. It won’t matter because I’ll have all the love and approval I’ll ever need from the only one who can truly make me feel complete.

So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good

And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside

So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us

His blood can cover us

…….
Tenth Avenue North

Approval Addicts: I Wasn't Skinny Enough

In my life- in ministry, work, and friendships- the one commonality I have found among woman is simple: we're insecure. Take even the most successful, attractive women in your life and more often than not you'll find that their size, weight, nose, or hips drives them insane. Some, it eats them alive. And men, you're not exempt either, are you?

But in the theme of "Approval Addicts", the topic of looks and that particular insecurity continually creeps up. People would really love me if I look like her... And yet, we sweep it under the rug and go on with our day as if nothing is wrong.

I'm guilty of it. It's a large part of my addiction story.

And it's a big part of Amy's. Here's her story, in her own words:

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Growing up I had the stereotypical "perfect family." My parents were extremely involved in our lives, my brother and I were closer than most (mainly out of necessity because of moving so often,) we were involved in sports, clubs, theater, music, pretty much anything you could think of. We were that "go to" family when things needed to get done. So, it would seem we were supportive, caring, nurturing, etc...We loved everyone, they loved us, and we loved each other.

I can't remember a day since I was 12 when the topic of my weight didn't come up, though. Even when I was at my smallest I was told I could keep losing and it wasn't enough. My daily routine consisted of waking up at 4am to measure out my food to bring to school, head to swim practice for a couple hours, eat a banana on the bus from the pool to school, class, eat my measured out (to the calorie) lunch, finish classes, go straight to play rehearsals/choir/church, go home, eat my special dinners while the rest of the family could eat whatever and how much of whatever they wanted, homework, bed and then it would start all over again the next day.

Sometimes my parents hired personal trainers for me and squished them in after whatever afterschool activity I was in at the time. My life revolved around controlling my weight and I didn't mind because at least when I was working out my hardest I didn't have to hear about it.

My mom is 5'4'', was 90lbs when she got married and has no idea how hard it is for me. My dad gave me these genes. I look just like the women in his family. The men however, don't have this problem. I don't want you to get this wrong though, my parents love me. They love me more than anything in this world. I just don't think they knew how to approach it. Instead of taking the "concerned about your health" route, they used the "you don't want to look like your cousins" which in my mind, because of hearing it all the time, I felt like I already did and needed to lose weight so I didn't anymore.

When I went off to college and didn't have to see them every day I started splurging. Over the years I've gained a little, then a little more, and a little more, and here I am about 50lbs more than I was when I started college.

Does it kill me every day? Yes.
Do I realize I was born this way? Yes.
Does the fact that God gave me these genes give me any comfort? Not at all.

I know I can't expect him to fix it. I have to do it myself but sometimes the hardest thing in life is to look at your whole family and realize you're the fat kid. Every single member of my family has said something to me about it. I'm fearful every moment I'm with them that they're going to bring it up because I'm just so tired of hearing it. My dad works out in Egypt at the moment and every email I get from my dad has something about "how's the diet going?" "have you lost any weight?" "still doing kickboxing?" and it breaks my heart.

I'll get it all under control one day but I guess my biggest issue and why I've somewhat been a serial dater is because of my wanting to feel pretty. I want someone to tell me I'm beautiful and perfect just the way I am. That's what every girl wants.

--

Amy's story resonates with so many of ours, doesn't it? Great parents, great family, but that one thing was never right. Or maybe it was a boyfriend who made you feel inadequate, not pretty enough, left you for someone else. Or maybe, the culprit is you. You've convinced yourself you'll never be skinny enough, pretty enough, loved enough... so you work out harder, eat less, and become so consumed with your appearance.

Maybe then you'll find the approval you've been looking for.

But might I remind you, and encourage you with this:

You were fearfully and wonderfully made. God loves you for who you are, because He formed you Himself. So go to Him, sit at His feet, and feel the love and approval of the King.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
Matthew 11:28

Approval Addicts: What YOU Think Matters

If you had the chance to read yesterday's post, you now understand what I mean about my friends and I getting real about such an extremely serious topic. We're tired of being tired, exhausted of pretending we love everything about ourselves, and desperate to shine light in the deepest corners of our hearts.

Yesterday, Maryanne shared part of her story, and her struggle to love herself.

Today, it's Keisha's turn.

--

I grew up in a wonderful loving home. My parents never made me feel like I wasn't loved or good enough in anyway. They still are beyond encouraging and uplifting. I had an older brother who was outgoing, fun, got straight A's in school, everybody loved Kyle. Growing up I always looked up to him, I wanted to be just like him, but I could never quite get there (maybe because I wasn't him! I was me, but I didn't like me, so I desperately wanted to be like him). I was quiet, reserved, beyond shy. It was crippling, I didn't want anyone to notice me because I didn't want them to realize I wasn't worth their time. I was constantly intimidated by everyone around me. I always thought they were so much better than me, that they had what I didn't, and there was no reason they would want to be around me. I missed out on opportunities because I was afraid of what those around me would think of me. So I just sat on the sidelines.

As I got older and into high school it got better. I went to a fairly small Christian school so it was easier for me to be myself, my classmates became my family. But to anyone outside those school doors I hid myself.

I had a defense mechanism. When someone wanted to get to know me, wanted to be my friend, even a boy I was "interested" in, I would act like I couldn't care less. Like nothing they did affected me one way or the other, because if I didn't care, I couldn't get hurt when they realized I wasn't worth it. In doing this I drove so many people away. I missed out of relationships and people who could have been such a blessing in my life because I didn't want to let them in, while inside I was desperately crying out for them to like me, to see past it all and work to break through.

I have so many regrets in regards to this, so many "what if's" because I was afraid of what they would think if they saw the real me. Anytime a good guy would be interested in me I would ask "Why in the world does he like me? I don't get it." So then I would shut down, and push him away. When it didn't work out I would always tell myself "See, he just didn't know you yet, that's why he liked you. As soon as he saw the real you, he saw what you really are. Not enough." I still struggle with this so much. I don't do things I really want to do because I am afraid of what everyone else will think of me, or I don't want to make a fool out of myself.

Around this time is when "looks" started to become a part of it. I felt like I HAD to look a certain way all the time, I mean ALL the time. That way, maybe people would just see that part and not notice I wasn't any fun, or didn't have the right personality. It started to consume me too, I was always worrying about how I looked because if that fell through what did I have? (even though I still didn't believe I ever looked good enough either. I still hated most of the things about how I looked). So I was always longing for someone to tell me I was pretty, or dressed cute, or something- anything to affirm that I was at least getting one thing right.

Even though I feel like I am getting better at letting people in I don't worry any less about what they think of me. I still desperately need their approval to feel ok about myself. But having a community to walk through, wrestle and beat this with makes the journey ahead seem much more doable. I know God hates this, he wants to heal it, and he's not going to let me ignore it anymore. So here we go, it's finally time for a real change.

--

What about you? Isn't it time for a real change? Don't let what secretly eats you alive have power over you any more.

Cast your cares on Him. He can be trusted. And you can be free.

Don't you want to be free?

Approval Addicts: Because I Don't Love Myself

When it comes to seeking approval, most people assume its due to a lack of love in one's life. But for some, the amount of love in their lives has nothing to do with their addiction to approval. Sometimes they become so destructive to themselves that the only way to survive is to hear it from others.

This is the case for Maryanne, a young woman who is so near and dear to my heart. Although we've only known each other for a few months, I know one thing for certain: she is a beautiful, gifted, and talented girl who God blessed with quite possibly the greatest sense of humor.

What's shocking, though, is that she struggles daily to believe that to be true.

Here's Maryanne's story, in her own words:

--

Let's be honest, here. The truth? I can't be by myself because I hate myself. I seek acceptance from friendships and people - I want them to like me because I don't like myself. I've spent years turning hatred for myself into an art form. When someone gives me a compliment, I accept them, thank the person, but what's worse is I take what they said and twist their genuine meaning and heartfelt words into dark, molasses-covered hate - turning them over and over until they turn into sticky, sludge-drenched words. Over time, these words have formed a swamp of what used to be my heart. A swamp that I choose to walk through daily, even though I don't have to. You're ugly. You're stupid. You're fat. You're not good enough. No man will ever love you. My heart has become a daily, repeating broken-record hell of my own making. It's no wonder I never feel close to God. I've become trapped in a hell of my own making, and I'm not sure how to get out.

Those are some ugly words that I've never said in my head, let alone out loud. I've swept them under a rug, closed the door to that room and piled barricades in front of it. My secret shame that I've practiced for well over a decade of my life. I pour into others not for their approval necessarily, but instead hoping that the love I give them will somehow bounce back to me, shine on me, fulfill me. But still I am empty.

I felt like Pete's sermon finally gave me permission to stop the treadmill of self-hatred I've been running on. I feel like I can breathe for the first time in years. As extroverted as my personality appears, there is so much I internalize, so I stopped today. I have sat alone with myself for hours, something I have never done in my adult life. I haven't drowned out my thoughts with television, music, or distraction. I called my mom and admitted my self-hate, something my parents have watched me battle for years. I asked a friend from Stretch to pray for me instead of hiding behind my shame. I talked to God honestly for the first time in years.

I am nowhere near "fixed", yet. In fact, I won't be for a long time. I can't imagine beginning to erase or replace things I have convinced myself of since I was a child. And on top of that, there is something I'm struggling with that I can't yet admit to many of my friends. But Sunday night, as we closed with worship, I couldn't help but hear these questions ring in my ears:

What if I let Him in?

What if I was enough?

What if I let Him love me?

What if I let myself love Him?

And probably the loudest: What if I started loving myself?

What if? What would I possibly have to lose?

It's a start. It's a step. It's time to push aside the barricades and let in the light.

In my love, be lifted high...

--

As I heard Maryanne's story, my heart broke. Not only because a beautiful, gifted daughter of the King has spent her life believing lies and darkness, but because I can only imagine how many of us do the same thing to ourselves on a daily basis.

But in Maryanne's courage of opening up, she has done the most liberating action any one of us can do: shed light in a dark place. Darkness cannot exist in light, and the moment we realize we can conquer our fears, insecurities, and sins by the mere act of letting light in is the moment we are set free.

Cast all your cares upon Him, for He cares for you.
1 Peter 5:7


Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you.
Psalm 55:22

So what is your story? What dark, cobwebbed corner of your heart needs a little light?

Let the darkness flee... It's got no power over me...

Addiction: Approval

"After Pete's message yesterday, I woke up with conviction, perspective, and a black eye from being sucker-punched."

"Mediocrity. Exhaustion. Guilt/shame. Rejection. These are the things that I'm calling myself out on for the first time ever this morning."

"Starting to process and wrestle with the message from Pete yesterday with a heavy and hopeful heart."

"I have NEVER been more wrecked in my life than tonight at church. Pete Wilson's message opened a door in my heart I've kept closed for over a decade."

Monday mornings are hard for the majority of us. A long weekend of relaxation turns into the dreaded sound of the alarm. Mondays require an extra cup of coffee, an extra jolt of "I can do this", and a couple hundred additional glances at the clock.

Mondays are hard.

But lately, for those of us at Cross Point, Mondays have been terribly painful.

We are in the middle of the "Empty Promises" series at Cross Point, with yesterday's message focusing on the "Addiction to Approval." At the top of this post are just a few Tweets from some of my fellow group members regarding the message yesterday. As you can tell, we woke up in pain due to the utter slap in the face we so nicely received from Pastor Pete.

Thanks, Pete.

Over the next couple days I'm going to be posting with the reactions of people from my community group (not all 150 of them, I promise). This message was real. The message was painful, intense, and completely shattering. But I can only write so much about my own story. So my friends are going to share theirs. And in doing so, I pray you will be able to face up to yours.

You can listen to the message at our church's website. Or read some notes on it from Pete himself. Or check back here daily for different takes and reactions to the message.

But let me warn you, most of these people walked into church yesterday assuming they already knew the main idol in their life, that the one thing in contention with the Lord for their heart was already discovered. Yet they left broken, in tears, and hopeful that through the strength of Christ, they can be renewed. So let me warn you - life change has happened here.

We are tired. Exhausted. Empty.

Because the applause of others never fills.

Hurt. Anxious. Needy.

Because putting our hope in people always fails.

Searching. Seeking. Self-destructing.

Because the One who can fill us has been the last person we've gone to for approval.


Are you an approval-addict?

I am.

But luckily I'm not alone.

The Seduction of Achievement

Denver Broncos wide receiver Kenny McKinley was found dead in his apartment yesterday in an apparent suicide. A second year player in the NFL, McKinley had a promising future in professional football but was sidelined with a knee injury for the beginning of this year. As a college player, McKinley knew plenty about success, achievement and the approval of others, being a star wide receiver at the University of South Carolina. He remains the all-time leader in receptions at South Carolina, and was one of the best receivers in the SEC back in 2007. If anyone had a great and promising future due to previous success, it was McKinley.

On the outside everything looked perfect, but on the inside something was apparently missing. I don't know the reason Kenny McKinley took his own life yesterday, and I'm not going to speculate, but I do know that its a clear example of the seduction of achievement and the empty promise it whispers.

At both church and in my small group, the past two weeks we've spent discussing the issue of idols and what most rivals God's role in our lives. As we settled in on the idol of achievement and success, it became apparent many of us have been duped into believing that the grass is definitely greener on the "more successful" side of the fence.

Let me remind you, it is not.

The moment you take a God-given gift, whether it be a talent, job, or opportunity, and place it in a role to fulfill you, you begin to tread on dangerous grounds. Success is a seductress, convincing you a pat on the back, a new title, or a pay raise will fill that gaping hole in your chest.

Let me tell you again, it will not.

In the book of John, Jesus reminds the people of this, that only through Him will this hunger and thirst for more be permanently filled. He says (v.35-36),

"I am the bread of life, He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty. But as I told you, you have seen me and still you do not believe."

In Matthew, he says again that only in Him can we find rest.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls (v28-29)."

Rest for your souls.

Isn't that what we're really looking for anyway? Maybe will that new job, or that new car, or those new friends I will finally feel fulfilled, rested, worthy. If we're honest, isn't that really the lure of success? To have it all? But a rested soul... that is the key. And we know exactly how to find it. Jesus says it plain and simple, "Come to me."

So what does that look like? The Psalmist paints an incredible picture of what resting in the Lord looks like in chapter 23.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores me soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

No striving. No seeking approval. Just rest, comfort, and safety.

A restored soul.

So let me encourage you today to stop striving. Stop comparing yourself to others who "have it all." Stop seeking fulfillment from something that only God can provide. Rest in Him. Let him restore you, define you, and love you for who you are... not what you've done.

Empty Promises

"If you lose the weight, you'll finally be happy."

"Change your hair and clothes and he'll finally love you."

"Take this promotion, it'll make you feel accomplished."

"Work 60 hours a week, buy that new car, and live the life you've always dreamed of."

"Love is all you'll ever need."

"Skinny people are happier."

"Rich people are more fulfilled."

"Married people have a brighter outlook on life."

All these promises have one thing in common... they're empty.

Maybe you've believed them. You've probably gone to lengths you never thought you would to accomplish them. Finally got skinny. Married that perfect man. Took the job promotion that in turn took over your life. Then, when everything was supposed to change, it didn't. Sure you got a new wardrobe. Maybe even some new friends. That new car looks perfect in your driveway. But that hole in your heart just won't go away. So try something new. Read a new magazine. Organize your house, organize your life. All will be fixed in no time. New diet, new jeans. Feeling good doesn't last for long... because it's external.

We've started a new series at Cross Point entitled "Empty Promises."

We've all been told them.

We continually believe them.

Time after time we realize they're dead ends.

And still, we search.

We strive to feel complete.

We starve to fit into jeans.

We serve more to feel more appreciated.

We work our hardest to feel our best.

And we're exhausted.

Because we're empty.

Over the course of the next month, I'll be digging into some promises I've believed that turned up empty. I'll share some of my friends' stories too. But for now, check out this video for our 5 week series - Empty Promises.

Empty Promises Trailer from Cross Point Church on Vimeo.

What promises have turned up empty for you?

The "Call" to Missions

I often tell people that the times I felt most alive were when I was on the mission field.

Whether it was singing Christmas carols at the local nursing home, ministering to the homeless on the streets of New York City, or leading worship at the U.S. Army base in Heidelberg, Germany, through each experience [no matter how uncomfortable I was] I was able to sit back and honestly say: "This is what I was made for."

I grew up in a church committed to missions, and attended a Christian school that fostered an evangelism program. The opportunities were there and, once involved, I had several people playing the name game when it came to my specific "calling" as a Christian.

Since moving to Nashville one year ago, I have attended Cross Point Church. Over the past few weeks we've been diving into who we are as a church and where we are going: our DNA.

We at Crosspoint are...

...radically devoted to Christ,

...irrevocably committed to one another,

...and relentlessly dedicated to reaching the lost.


Relentlessly dedicated to reaching the lost. To most church-goers that probably just sounds like Crosspoint has an intense missions program. But let's get one thing straight, reaching the lost isn't a program at Crosspoint; it's the reason Crosspoint exists.

When our Pastor, Pete Wilson, spoke on reaching the lost last week, he gave some intense statistics on poverty, sex trafficking, child hunger (and their deaths because of it), and other sick, jacked up issues that are going on this very moment in our world. I could go through all the numbers Pete gave (you can find them here), but honestly, it would be a waste of my time. Let me explain.

Those preventable statistics of disease, hopelessness, rape, hunger, etc won't do a thing to your head or your heart until you're convinced of one thing: it is not about you. For most of you, the life you live has been conveniently tailored to your comfort, your interests, and your happiness. You go to a church you like, listen to a preacher you agree with, and sit next to people you get along with. Your faith may be strong, but its in a God that has blessed you with a white picket fence, 2.5 kids, and a dog. The life you're living from now until eternity is being wasted... on you.

Let's be clear: The "space between" the moment you accept Christ to the moment your time on earth is finished is not about you. It's not about me. If all that mattered was eternal security with God in Heaven, why would we have to live this life at all?

You've been duped into believing that this life is about you, your own personal God, and the beautiful blessings He showers you with. So have I. My schedule shows it. My Facebook and Twitter show it. How I spend my money, my time, and my thoughts show it. I think it's all about me. And guess what, so do you.

As Christians we strive to become more Christlike. That's the goal, right? But there's more.

The transformation we experience as Christ followers is for the sole purpose to change the world. If we do anything less with this life we not only sell ourselves short but end up making this life all about ourselves. (P.Wilson)

More simply put:

If you don't live like you believe your life was created to impact the world, you will miss the point of salvation and sanctification.
-Pete Wilson

You will miss the point.

Matthew 28:19 - "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations."

Mark 16:15 - "He said to them, 'Go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation.'"

Acts 1:8 - "But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses... to the ends of the earth."

As Pete said on Sunday, why else would God give you His spirit? So you can get goosebumps? So you can get hyped up during a good worship service? Jesus says in John 14:12, "I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these because I am going to the Father."

The point of sanctification?

Go.

The reason for His spirit?

To change the world.

Somewhere along the way the church turned missions into a cute program that gets shoved into the corner for the "specifically called."

Missions was never intended to be a program in the Church, for it is the only reason the Church exists.

Don't you get it? This world is jacked up, suffering and hopeless and it is your responsibility to change it. It is my responsibility. The moment we received God's grace is the very moment we are to give it to another. We are to take His hope, comfort, and light and go to a dark, hopeless place and show them what it looks like. The world is hopeless for they have not yet seen what it looks like. Who can you show it to?

I often tell people that the times I felt most alive were when I was on the mission field.

And now I understand why. I was doing what I was created to do.

I'm not exempt to the calling, and neither are you.


So my challenge for you is going to be the same challenge I gave myself:

Instead of just being receivers of God's grace, be an agent of it. Make your life not about you.

Stretch

Stretching.
Every athlete knows its importance.
Without it one loses flexibility, the chance for muscles to rebuild, and ultimately the ability to maximize workouts and gain strength.
Stretching is absolutely critical to the success (and progress) of an athlete.

The same is true in real life. Now, I'm not saying you need to stretch your quads and hamstrings before heading to work or church (although I guess you could)- this is a different kind of stretch.

A more uncomfortable (and sometimes painful) kind of stretch.

Imagine a stagnant life. Day after day the same routine takes place: you get up, work 8-5, eat dinner, watch the news, and head to bed. Sure, you go to church. Sometimes you even volunteer. Once a week you go to community group, open up about tough subjects, and work on your faith when the pastor's message is convicting.

Not hard to imagine, is it?

The greatest temptation in life is to let it stay stagnant.

Don't like the word stagnant? Then how about a different word.

Comfortable.
The greatest temptation in life is to be comfortable.

Throughout Jesus' ministry, the call that is placed before us is anything but comforting.

Take up your cross and follow me.

Lose your life, that you may find it.

You will be hated for my namesake.

And let us not forget that Jesus' very message... got Him killed.

Feeling uncomfortable yet?

I know I am. But I'm not alone.



A couple months ago, I started attending a "small group" at my church (Cross Point Church). Small was the last thing it was. Committed to being missional and intentional in all we did, two things became apparent about our "Not So Small" Community group that made us different than all the others:

First, we were a group of people committed to never feeling comfortable.

And second, it was extremely contagious.

Since first attending, the group has gone from about 30 to 140+ regular attendees. Like other "small groups", we break into groups and discuss the message, dive deep into the tough calling of following Christ, pray for each other, and do life together. Sure, our numbers make us different (small groups are typically capped at 12-15, not 140 and counting...) but what we do after we meet is the game changer: we respond.

The mission statement for us 140+ 20/30 somethings explains it perfectly:

"We are imperfect people, living inside our design, building enduring relationships with each other, actively serving the needs of others, and committing to grow deeper in love and faith with Christ."

A couple things were for sure about our "small" group:

We were no longer small...

..."Not So Small Community Group" was a mouthful...

...we were people of action...

...and we needed a name.

Enter: Stretch.

The word "stretch" is an action verb, defined the following ways:

To draw out or extend (oneself) to the limit of one's abilities or talents.

To hold out, reach forth, or extend.

To extend, spread, or place (something) so as to reach from one point or place to another.

To extend, force, or make serve beyond the normal or proper limits.

To be capable of expanding, as to a larger size.

What's amazing about Stretch is that its corporate. Yes, I stretch personally and challenge others to do the same, but my stretching allows for someone else to stretch as well, and so on and so forth. My life, when stretched, is much more impactful alongside others who are doing the same.


So what happens when you stretch?

Your time becomes more important.

Your actions have eternal impact.

You wind up at Safe Haven on Mondays.

You teach ESL to African refugees on Wednesdays.

You help rebuild Nashville through Habitat for Humanity.

You work the lunch shift at Nashville Rescue Mission on Saturdays.

And you do it alongside those you sit with on Sundays.

I have the unbelievable honor and privilege to lead a group at Stretch and serve alongside some of the most dedicated, dynamic individuals. One of our main leaders, Grant Jenkins, made this video to unveil our new name to the group this past Sunday:

Stretch from cpstretch on Vimeo.

I know you all don't live in Nashville, attend Cross Point, or are in the single "20-30 somethings" stage of life, but, just like us, you can stretch.

So go ahead.
Be stretched.
And stretch others while you're at it.

When God Provides

It was finally here. All summer it loomed over my head like a storm cloud, daily reminding me troubles were on the horizon. I didn't know when, but I knew that soon enough it would happen. And as I went to bed last Sunday night, I realized it was here.

For those of you who don't know, I'm currently a graduate student going to school at night and interning during the day. For my summer semester, I had the opportunity to intern full-time at D1 Sports Training, an elite sports training company known for its NFL co-owners such as Peyton Manning, Philip Rivers, and Mike Vrabel, and high-profile clients like Florida Gators (now, Denver Bronco) quarterback, Tim Tebow. There was no way I was going to pass this up. So, since April, I've been averaging 45 hour work weeks... for free. I had some money saved from coaching club volleyball and teaching lessons that would pay the rent for the summer, and ran a few volleyball clinics to help pay for groceries. I did what I could without burning out to survive. But the inevitable was bound to happen.

The money would, at some point, run out.

And last week, it did.

I knew the money was slowly disappearing with every tank of gas I filled and grocery run I made. But when I paid the electric bill and checked my account on Sunday, reality struck. $440 was left in my account with rent due ($419.66) on August 1st. No money for food, for gas, for.. anything. My loans for school were coming in, but not until the end of August. I was in trouble. Could I live for over a month on $20?

I haven't slept that poorly in almost a year. I tossed, turned, and was haunted by nightmares the entire night (most not even having anything to do with my current situation). I woke up multiple times and tried to create a plan for not only the current situation but also all of the uncertainties that lay ahead. That's how my anxiety works. It's never just the here and now. It's always the future, the plan (that I can't control), and all the uncontrollable factors that may come my way. I used to have serious problems with it in the past, worrying and stressing to the point of physical sickness, but I haven't had a flare up in a couple years. This one caught me by surprise.

I spent most of Monday in bed. After my morning run, I literally crawled back into bed and didn't move. I was paralyzed by all that I had to do to figure it out. My cupboards were empty, room was messy (which always adds to my anxiety), and I had no idea what I was going to do. I called my mom, cried a bunch, and listened to her every word of encouragement. (See my last blogpost.) It didn't take away all of my fear, but it did point my focus in the right direction.

Up.

The beginning of anxiety is the end of faith.
The beginning of faith is the end of anxiety.

As I read this phrase over and over (its on my desk, a birthday present from my mom), I realized (as I always do) that my worry adds nothing to my life, but only takes away my peace and ability to trust in God's plan for my life.

I decided to pray, consistently, for the trust that I have learned (from experience) to have in the Lord. Something will work out. He will take care of You, Christina. He always does. My Mom's words stuck in my head. I figured it was more important to pray for my faith and ability to trust than it was to pray for a miracle. I needed to trust Him - miracle or not.

Three days passed. No doors opened, no work came up, and to top it off, I found out the county wouldn't pay me for high school coaching until the end of the season. "I trust You" was the hardest phrase to utter each day.

And then, it happened.

Hi, Christina, it's Kim. Tracey gave me your number and told me to call you. I was supposed to run a volleyball clinic next week for a middle school, but no longer can keep my commitment. Can you run it for me? You will be paid $50 per girl. Give me a call back, we'll chat details.

I listened to the message probably seven times. Next week? Fifty dollars PER girl? Is this a joke? So I listened to the message again. I did the math in my head. I was just offered more money than I had made all summer.

I didn't call Kim right back. I couldn't. I was too busy sitting in my car, crying.

The words of Isaiah kept running through my mind:

Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you.
I've called your name. You're mine.
When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you.
When you're in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you're between a rock and a hard place, it won't be a dead end
Because I am God, your personal God.
Isaiah 43:2-3 (Message)

He is my God. My personal God. And He holds me in the palm of His hands.

---

I still don't have the words to articulate how I feel. I feel as though words might not be necessary here. Can you imagine how I feel? Have you ever been there? At the end of your rope, wondering if there is an answer for the problems you face? Is it money issues? Family issues? A need that hasn't been filled in years, let alone days?

Trusting in God isn't about the miracle that could happen; it's about the security that remains constant. You are in His hands. No matter how rough the seas or dark the sky, He holds you.

God will provide.

Do not fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.
Philippians 4:6-7 (The Message)

The Beginning of Faith

There are very few people I know that have a stronger faith than my mom. Regardless of what's going on in my life, she always has a steadfast trust that God is ultimately in control. She doesn't hesitate, question, or sit back and worry. It's simple to her: God is in control.

For my birthday, she sent me a magnet with a handwritten phrase on it (and kindly recites it when on the phone with me listening to my anxious thoughts):

The beginning of anxiety is the end of faith.
The beginning of faith is the end of anxiety.

I've heard it said that unrest and worry aren't stress problems but faith problems. Lucky for me (the worrisome, anxious stress-ball that I typically am) dealing with a faith problem is an easy fix.

Again, my mom kindly recites my "life verse" to me as often as I speak with her. It's almost as if she knew when I was born I would need the constant reminder:

Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
and lean not on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
and He will direct your path.
Proverbs 3:5-6

The writers in the Bible understood the importance of shedding the fear and worry, too. Again, fixing it is easy.

...cast all your cares on Him.

...do not be anxious about anything.

...fear not, I am with you.

...my peace I give you.


If this anxiety problem is such an easy fix, then why is it a daily struggle? If all I need to do is cast my cares on Him, why do I clutch on to them and let them affect every aspect of my life?


My anxiety problem is nothing less than a faith problem.

The beginning of anxiety is the end of faith.

What about you? Is your anxiety becoming a faith problem? What can you do to fix it?

...The beginning of faith is the end of anxiety.

I Have A Secret

I have a secret to tell you.

I'm a closet romantic. I love love.

I may put up a tough, "all about sports" front but catch me watching a chick flick and you'll see my heart swoon.

Last night, my roommate and I gushed over Mr. Darcy while watching Pride & Prejudice. I can't tell you how many times I've heard, "I love you, most ardently" or "You've bewitched me body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you." My reaction is still the same as it was in high school when the words jumped off the pages. The movie just makes it worse. I'm such a sucker for Mr. Darcy.

Another closet guilty pleasure? The Bachelorette. All through college I rolled my eyes at my roommate and her friends who would gush and swoon over the Bachelor and the contestants on the Bachelorette. I made it a point to be out of the room on Monday nights. Becca, if you're reading this now, I apologize. I get it now.

Thanks to my current roommate, Liz, I now love watching as Ali sorts through 25 men to find true love. Ali was my favorite on the Bachelor, and it broke my heart watching her leave during the top 4. (Yes, that is where I got my start on this obsession.) And now, I weekly watch her quest to find love and outwardly gush as every guy contends for her love. The romance, thoughtfulness, and downright adorable things these guys do for her is amazing. I always find myself on the edge of the couch, sighing, wanting a guy like that in my life.

What is it about love that is so addicting to behold? We cry when hearts are broken, swoon when a man rides in [sometimes literally] to save the day, then throw popcorn at the TV when the movie is over and we come to our senses. Is love like that real?

Then there's the Twilight obsession. Good LORD! Yes, I've read the books. Yes, I love Edward Cullen. Yes, I love Jacob Black. I LOVE them. They would do anything for Bella. No, I don't have any T-shirts, and no I'm not going to the midnight premier, but to be honest? Of course I want a boy like that (without the vampire/werewolf part)!


Okay, joking aside, I'm not crazy about boys and desperate to find love. I feel like I have a good, calm head on my shoulders when it comes to love in reality. Its elusiveness in my life, however, has been channeled into this guilty pleasure of chick flicks, romance, and all things love.


There, I said it.


Any guilty pleasures you're hiding? :)

Happy Father's Day, Dad!

I've been lucky enough to be blessed with an incredible dad. He doesn't typically enjoy the spotlight so today I figure I'd at least give him the spotlight on my blog.

My dad emulates Christ-like character on a daily basis - sure, he's not perfect- but he's a man that God has blessed with both wisdom and discernment in how to be a father, husband, and businessman. Life hasn't always been easy, but my father has continually placed his focus and trust in the Lord to lead him in the way he and his family was to go. He is always last, placing the Lord, my brother, myself and my mom constantly ahead of himself.

Obviously there are countless things a daughter learns from her father, but some things I am particularly thankful for:


-My love and knowledge of cars. Yes, having a mechanic/car-savvy father pays dividends.

-My extremely high standards for a husband. Watching a man live out the Christ-like qualities so many girls think don't exist is a daily reminder that I don't have to settle. Sorry boys!

-My love for hiking. When I was younger I cried the entire way, and once, my dad even pushed me up because I refused to go any further!

-My love (obsession?) with football. It sure helps having a partner in crime any time any game is on!

-My career pursuit. While watching a football game, Dad looked at me and just said "Ever thought of doing what you love for the rest of your life?" Smart thinking, Dad.

-My foundation in Christ. No, I don't live my parents' faith. My Dad (and Mom!) constantly pointed me toward the Lord to find my strength, hope, and source of life. For that, I am forever thankful to both my parents in never forcing a religion or boring set of traditions on me, but for living out a true relationship that I too wanted to have.


Now, typically on Father's Day, my family and I would go to Polar Caves in New Hampshire and go caving. From the Orange Crush to the Lemon Squeeze, my entire family would attempt to get ourselves through the tiny spaces and awkward turns in the caves. It always turned out that my dad had more work than play on his hands, trying to corral my brother and I, get us out of spaces we never should have explored, and tell us when it was time to go. We thought it was his favorite thing in the world. Hopefully he enjoyed it at least a little.


Nowadays, Father's Day is obviously different. I would love to say he's sitting out on the porch with the dog, enjoying a day off, but I know that's not happening. So, whatever you're doing with your time today, happy father's day, Dad! Maybe you can go to Polar Caves with Mom... but I doubt it would be as fun as it used to be.

The Elder Brother

"There was a man who had two sons. The younger one said to his father, 'Father, give me my share of the estate.' So he divided his property between them. Not long after that, the young son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living..."

If you're anything like me, you've heard this story a hundred times, typically brought up when a "sinner" has decided to "come back" to the Father. Each pastor that has brought this story forward has had the same emphasis: grace. The prodigal son wasted all he was given, lived a life of poor choices, and, while at the end of his rope, realized the need to return.

Most people find themselves in the story: running from the life we are called to have in Christ, squandering their inheritance in worldly pleasures and wasting all their energy on empty passions. I've heard some preachers go as far to stretch us all into the category of the prodigal son, addressing the congregation to search their hearts and find where it is they are running from the Father and wasting all He has given them. To be completely honest, I would sit in my chair and scan the room, picking out the people I thought needed to return to the Father (and probably should at that very moment). The story never tugged at my heart as much as it did others, but then again: I wasn't anything like the younger brother.

"But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him. 'For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' So they began to celebrate."

Some of us have never resonated with the younger brother coming home and being restored. Some have stayed at the House, working away and doing what they've been told. The prodigal son story was the week in church they could check out and passively sit, thinking "Oh good, its about time those sinners come back..." And therein lies the problem and the purpose for my writing this: the prodigal isn't the only character in the story.

"Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. 'Your brother has come', he replied, 'and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.' The older brother became angry and refused to go in..."

A few weeks ago, Crosspoint did a series called "People of a Second Chance." For three weeks, our church unpacked the "Parable of the Lost Son," with each week dedicated to one of the characters: the prodigal, the elder brother, and the father.

When Jesus told this story, he was addressing both Jew and Gentile, Pharisee and sinner. Each had a role in the story, yet for some reason, the Church and religious do-gooders (still to this day) skip over the elder brother as if he has little importance. But oh, how important his role is.

The older brother did right by the father, staying and working as he was told. His inheritance was safe and sound right where it was meant to be: at home. Day after day he was with his father, working his fields, eating at his table, and conversing with him. Everything seemed fine until that night he came back from the fields... and he heard music...

"'Look! All these years I've been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!'"

I don't know about you, but I know a few older brothers.

Working to get approval from the Father.

Doing the "right thing" out of duty.

Living the "Christian life" feeling overworked and under-appreciated.

A slave in the Father's house.

Notice his choice of words to his father. I have been slaving...

Slaving doesn't bear fruits of comfort, willingness, or peace- traits that should be present between a father and son- but of anger, resentment, and a sense of duty. Slaving isn't family-like; not many welcome it with open arms. But for some reason, the elder brother was convinced he was a slave.

Are you slaving for the Father? Do you feel you have put in years of hard labor out of duty? Think about all that you do in the name of the Father: is it out of the joy of your heart or out of the sermons you've absorbed? Is it rooted in love for the Father or in the system of religion?

What he [and so many other "elder brothers"] didn't realize, though, was that he always had the blessing of the father.

"My son", the father said, "you are always with me, and everything I have is yours."

He could enjoy the many luxuries the father had to offer at any given moment... but he didn't. The elder brother was so focused on doing right and doing his duty that he missed the point all together: being a son to the father.

But another warped perception filled his heart:

"But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home..."

This son of yours.

Not brother of mine.

Not member of our family.

The young brother was disowned in his older brother's mind. There's no way they were in the same family tree.

Who have you disowned? How many times have you sat on the porch, refusing to go in and celebrate one's return because of their past sin? I can hear your excuses now:

But he cheated on his wife!

But she wears a scarlet letter!

You don't get it, he's an alcoholic. He relapses all the time!

He lied to me.

She gambled our money away and lost our house.

The list goes on and on. I know the excuses because not only have I heard them... I've used them.

But here's the catch: it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter what they did to you, who they betrayed, cheated on, or lied to. It doesn't matter how badly you think they "deserve" to suffer. They won't. Returning to the Father has only one catch- they get to come back in.

Every time.

Time after time.

There's no lock on the Father's door.


Be reminded of what the Father says:

"But we have to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found."

This brother of yours was lost and is now found. Celebrate.