Approval Addicts: I Wasn't Skinny Enough

In my life- in ministry, work, and friendships- the one commonality I have found among woman is simple: we're insecure. Take even the most successful, attractive women in your life and more often than not you'll find that their size, weight, nose, or hips drives them insane. Some, it eats them alive. And men, you're not exempt either, are you?

But in the theme of "Approval Addicts", the topic of looks and that particular insecurity continually creeps up. People would really love me if I look like her... And yet, we sweep it under the rug and go on with our day as if nothing is wrong.

I'm guilty of it. It's a large part of my addiction story.

And it's a big part of Amy's. Here's her story, in her own words:

--

Growing up I had the stereotypical "perfect family." My parents were extremely involved in our lives, my brother and I were closer than most (mainly out of necessity because of moving so often,) we were involved in sports, clubs, theater, music, pretty much anything you could think of. We were that "go to" family when things needed to get done. So, it would seem we were supportive, caring, nurturing, etc...We loved everyone, they loved us, and we loved each other.

I can't remember a day since I was 12 when the topic of my weight didn't come up, though. Even when I was at my smallest I was told I could keep losing and it wasn't enough. My daily routine consisted of waking up at 4am to measure out my food to bring to school, head to swim practice for a couple hours, eat a banana on the bus from the pool to school, class, eat my measured out (to the calorie) lunch, finish classes, go straight to play rehearsals/choir/church, go home, eat my special dinners while the rest of the family could eat whatever and how much of whatever they wanted, homework, bed and then it would start all over again the next day.

Sometimes my parents hired personal trainers for me and squished them in after whatever afterschool activity I was in at the time. My life revolved around controlling my weight and I didn't mind because at least when I was working out my hardest I didn't have to hear about it.

My mom is 5'4'', was 90lbs when she got married and has no idea how hard it is for me. My dad gave me these genes. I look just like the women in his family. The men however, don't have this problem. I don't want you to get this wrong though, my parents love me. They love me more than anything in this world. I just don't think they knew how to approach it. Instead of taking the "concerned about your health" route, they used the "you don't want to look like your cousins" which in my mind, because of hearing it all the time, I felt like I already did and needed to lose weight so I didn't anymore.

When I went off to college and didn't have to see them every day I started splurging. Over the years I've gained a little, then a little more, and a little more, and here I am about 50lbs more than I was when I started college.

Does it kill me every day? Yes.
Do I realize I was born this way? Yes.
Does the fact that God gave me these genes give me any comfort? Not at all.

I know I can't expect him to fix it. I have to do it myself but sometimes the hardest thing in life is to look at your whole family and realize you're the fat kid. Every single member of my family has said something to me about it. I'm fearful every moment I'm with them that they're going to bring it up because I'm just so tired of hearing it. My dad works out in Egypt at the moment and every email I get from my dad has something about "how's the diet going?" "have you lost any weight?" "still doing kickboxing?" and it breaks my heart.

I'll get it all under control one day but I guess my biggest issue and why I've somewhat been a serial dater is because of my wanting to feel pretty. I want someone to tell me I'm beautiful and perfect just the way I am. That's what every girl wants.

--

Amy's story resonates with so many of ours, doesn't it? Great parents, great family, but that one thing was never right. Or maybe it was a boyfriend who made you feel inadequate, not pretty enough, left you for someone else. Or maybe, the culprit is you. You've convinced yourself you'll never be skinny enough, pretty enough, loved enough... so you work out harder, eat less, and become so consumed with your appearance.

Maybe then you'll find the approval you've been looking for.

But might I remind you, and encourage you with this:

You were fearfully and wonderfully made. God loves you for who you are, because He formed you Himself. So go to Him, sit at His feet, and feel the love and approval of the King.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
Matthew 11:28

Approval Addicts: What YOU Think Matters

If you had the chance to read yesterday's post, you now understand what I mean about my friends and I getting real about such an extremely serious topic. We're tired of being tired, exhausted of pretending we love everything about ourselves, and desperate to shine light in the deepest corners of our hearts.

Yesterday, Maryanne shared part of her story, and her struggle to love herself.

Today, it's Keisha's turn.

--

I grew up in a wonderful loving home. My parents never made me feel like I wasn't loved or good enough in anyway. They still are beyond encouraging and uplifting. I had an older brother who was outgoing, fun, got straight A's in school, everybody loved Kyle. Growing up I always looked up to him, I wanted to be just like him, but I could never quite get there (maybe because I wasn't him! I was me, but I didn't like me, so I desperately wanted to be like him). I was quiet, reserved, beyond shy. It was crippling, I didn't want anyone to notice me because I didn't want them to realize I wasn't worth their time. I was constantly intimidated by everyone around me. I always thought they were so much better than me, that they had what I didn't, and there was no reason they would want to be around me. I missed out on opportunities because I was afraid of what those around me would think of me. So I just sat on the sidelines.

As I got older and into high school it got better. I went to a fairly small Christian school so it was easier for me to be myself, my classmates became my family. But to anyone outside those school doors I hid myself.

I had a defense mechanism. When someone wanted to get to know me, wanted to be my friend, even a boy I was "interested" in, I would act like I couldn't care less. Like nothing they did affected me one way or the other, because if I didn't care, I couldn't get hurt when they realized I wasn't worth it. In doing this I drove so many people away. I missed out of relationships and people who could have been such a blessing in my life because I didn't want to let them in, while inside I was desperately crying out for them to like me, to see past it all and work to break through.

I have so many regrets in regards to this, so many "what if's" because I was afraid of what they would think if they saw the real me. Anytime a good guy would be interested in me I would ask "Why in the world does he like me? I don't get it." So then I would shut down, and push him away. When it didn't work out I would always tell myself "See, he just didn't know you yet, that's why he liked you. As soon as he saw the real you, he saw what you really are. Not enough." I still struggle with this so much. I don't do things I really want to do because I am afraid of what everyone else will think of me, or I don't want to make a fool out of myself.

Around this time is when "looks" started to become a part of it. I felt like I HAD to look a certain way all the time, I mean ALL the time. That way, maybe people would just see that part and not notice I wasn't any fun, or didn't have the right personality. It started to consume me too, I was always worrying about how I looked because if that fell through what did I have? (even though I still didn't believe I ever looked good enough either. I still hated most of the things about how I looked). So I was always longing for someone to tell me I was pretty, or dressed cute, or something- anything to affirm that I was at least getting one thing right.

Even though I feel like I am getting better at letting people in I don't worry any less about what they think of me. I still desperately need their approval to feel ok about myself. But having a community to walk through, wrestle and beat this with makes the journey ahead seem much more doable. I know God hates this, he wants to heal it, and he's not going to let me ignore it anymore. So here we go, it's finally time for a real change.

--

What about you? Isn't it time for a real change? Don't let what secretly eats you alive have power over you any more.

Cast your cares on Him. He can be trusted. And you can be free.

Don't you want to be free?

Approval Addicts: Because I Don't Love Myself

When it comes to seeking approval, most people assume its due to a lack of love in one's life. But for some, the amount of love in their lives has nothing to do with their addiction to approval. Sometimes they become so destructive to themselves that the only way to survive is to hear it from others.

This is the case for Maryanne, a young woman who is so near and dear to my heart. Although we've only known each other for a few months, I know one thing for certain: she is a beautiful, gifted, and talented girl who God blessed with quite possibly the greatest sense of humor.

What's shocking, though, is that she struggles daily to believe that to be true.

Here's Maryanne's story, in her own words:

--

Let's be honest, here. The truth? I can't be by myself because I hate myself. I seek acceptance from friendships and people - I want them to like me because I don't like myself. I've spent years turning hatred for myself into an art form. When someone gives me a compliment, I accept them, thank the person, but what's worse is I take what they said and twist their genuine meaning and heartfelt words into dark, molasses-covered hate - turning them over and over until they turn into sticky, sludge-drenched words. Over time, these words have formed a swamp of what used to be my heart. A swamp that I choose to walk through daily, even though I don't have to. You're ugly. You're stupid. You're fat. You're not good enough. No man will ever love you. My heart has become a daily, repeating broken-record hell of my own making. It's no wonder I never feel close to God. I've become trapped in a hell of my own making, and I'm not sure how to get out.

Those are some ugly words that I've never said in my head, let alone out loud. I've swept them under a rug, closed the door to that room and piled barricades in front of it. My secret shame that I've practiced for well over a decade of my life. I pour into others not for their approval necessarily, but instead hoping that the love I give them will somehow bounce back to me, shine on me, fulfill me. But still I am empty.

I felt like Pete's sermon finally gave me permission to stop the treadmill of self-hatred I've been running on. I feel like I can breathe for the first time in years. As extroverted as my personality appears, there is so much I internalize, so I stopped today. I have sat alone with myself for hours, something I have never done in my adult life. I haven't drowned out my thoughts with television, music, or distraction. I called my mom and admitted my self-hate, something my parents have watched me battle for years. I asked a friend from Stretch to pray for me instead of hiding behind my shame. I talked to God honestly for the first time in years.

I am nowhere near "fixed", yet. In fact, I won't be for a long time. I can't imagine beginning to erase or replace things I have convinced myself of since I was a child. And on top of that, there is something I'm struggling with that I can't yet admit to many of my friends. But Sunday night, as we closed with worship, I couldn't help but hear these questions ring in my ears:

What if I let Him in?

What if I was enough?

What if I let Him love me?

What if I let myself love Him?

And probably the loudest: What if I started loving myself?

What if? What would I possibly have to lose?

It's a start. It's a step. It's time to push aside the barricades and let in the light.

In my love, be lifted high...

--

As I heard Maryanne's story, my heart broke. Not only because a beautiful, gifted daughter of the King has spent her life believing lies and darkness, but because I can only imagine how many of us do the same thing to ourselves on a daily basis.

But in Maryanne's courage of opening up, she has done the most liberating action any one of us can do: shed light in a dark place. Darkness cannot exist in light, and the moment we realize we can conquer our fears, insecurities, and sins by the mere act of letting light in is the moment we are set free.

Cast all your cares upon Him, for He cares for you.
1 Peter 5:7


Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you.
Psalm 55:22

So what is your story? What dark, cobwebbed corner of your heart needs a little light?

Let the darkness flee... It's got no power over me...

Addiction: Approval

"After Pete's message yesterday, I woke up with conviction, perspective, and a black eye from being sucker-punched."

"Mediocrity. Exhaustion. Guilt/shame. Rejection. These are the things that I'm calling myself out on for the first time ever this morning."

"Starting to process and wrestle with the message from Pete yesterday with a heavy and hopeful heart."

"I have NEVER been more wrecked in my life than tonight at church. Pete Wilson's message opened a door in my heart I've kept closed for over a decade."

Monday mornings are hard for the majority of us. A long weekend of relaxation turns into the dreaded sound of the alarm. Mondays require an extra cup of coffee, an extra jolt of "I can do this", and a couple hundred additional glances at the clock.

Mondays are hard.

But lately, for those of us at Cross Point, Mondays have been terribly painful.

We are in the middle of the "Empty Promises" series at Cross Point, with yesterday's message focusing on the "Addiction to Approval." At the top of this post are just a few Tweets from some of my fellow group members regarding the message yesterday. As you can tell, we woke up in pain due to the utter slap in the face we so nicely received from Pastor Pete.

Thanks, Pete.

Over the next couple days I'm going to be posting with the reactions of people from my community group (not all 150 of them, I promise). This message was real. The message was painful, intense, and completely shattering. But I can only write so much about my own story. So my friends are going to share theirs. And in doing so, I pray you will be able to face up to yours.

You can listen to the message at our church's website. Or read some notes on it from Pete himself. Or check back here daily for different takes and reactions to the message.

But let me warn you, most of these people walked into church yesterday assuming they already knew the main idol in their life, that the one thing in contention with the Lord for their heart was already discovered. Yet they left broken, in tears, and hopeful that through the strength of Christ, they can be renewed. So let me warn you - life change has happened here.

We are tired. Exhausted. Empty.

Because the applause of others never fills.

Hurt. Anxious. Needy.

Because putting our hope in people always fails.

Searching. Seeking. Self-destructing.

Because the One who can fill us has been the last person we've gone to for approval.


Are you an approval-addict?

I am.

But luckily I'm not alone.

The Seduction of Achievement

Denver Broncos wide receiver Kenny McKinley was found dead in his apartment yesterday in an apparent suicide. A second year player in the NFL, McKinley had a promising future in professional football but was sidelined with a knee injury for the beginning of this year. As a college player, McKinley knew plenty about success, achievement and the approval of others, being a star wide receiver at the University of South Carolina. He remains the all-time leader in receptions at South Carolina, and was one of the best receivers in the SEC back in 2007. If anyone had a great and promising future due to previous success, it was McKinley.

On the outside everything looked perfect, but on the inside something was apparently missing. I don't know the reason Kenny McKinley took his own life yesterday, and I'm not going to speculate, but I do know that its a clear example of the seduction of achievement and the empty promise it whispers.

At both church and in my small group, the past two weeks we've spent discussing the issue of idols and what most rivals God's role in our lives. As we settled in on the idol of achievement and success, it became apparent many of us have been duped into believing that the grass is definitely greener on the "more successful" side of the fence.

Let me remind you, it is not.

The moment you take a God-given gift, whether it be a talent, job, or opportunity, and place it in a role to fulfill you, you begin to tread on dangerous grounds. Success is a seductress, convincing you a pat on the back, a new title, or a pay raise will fill that gaping hole in your chest.

Let me tell you again, it will not.

In the book of John, Jesus reminds the people of this, that only through Him will this hunger and thirst for more be permanently filled. He says (v.35-36),

"I am the bread of life, He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty. But as I told you, you have seen me and still you do not believe."

In Matthew, he says again that only in Him can we find rest.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls (v28-29)."

Rest for your souls.

Isn't that what we're really looking for anyway? Maybe will that new job, or that new car, or those new friends I will finally feel fulfilled, rested, worthy. If we're honest, isn't that really the lure of success? To have it all? But a rested soul... that is the key. And we know exactly how to find it. Jesus says it plain and simple, "Come to me."

So what does that look like? The Psalmist paints an incredible picture of what resting in the Lord looks like in chapter 23.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores me soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

No striving. No seeking approval. Just rest, comfort, and safety.

A restored soul.

So let me encourage you today to stop striving. Stop comparing yourself to others who "have it all." Stop seeking fulfillment from something that only God can provide. Rest in Him. Let him restore you, define you, and love you for who you are... not what you've done.

Empty Promises

"If you lose the weight, you'll finally be happy."

"Change your hair and clothes and he'll finally love you."

"Take this promotion, it'll make you feel accomplished."

"Work 60 hours a week, buy that new car, and live the life you've always dreamed of."

"Love is all you'll ever need."

"Skinny people are happier."

"Rich people are more fulfilled."

"Married people have a brighter outlook on life."

All these promises have one thing in common... they're empty.

Maybe you've believed them. You've probably gone to lengths you never thought you would to accomplish them. Finally got skinny. Married that perfect man. Took the job promotion that in turn took over your life. Then, when everything was supposed to change, it didn't. Sure you got a new wardrobe. Maybe even some new friends. That new car looks perfect in your driveway. But that hole in your heart just won't go away. So try something new. Read a new magazine. Organize your house, organize your life. All will be fixed in no time. New diet, new jeans. Feeling good doesn't last for long... because it's external.

We've started a new series at Cross Point entitled "Empty Promises."

We've all been told them.

We continually believe them.

Time after time we realize they're dead ends.

And still, we search.

We strive to feel complete.

We starve to fit into jeans.

We serve more to feel more appreciated.

We work our hardest to feel our best.

And we're exhausted.

Because we're empty.

Over the course of the next month, I'll be digging into some promises I've believed that turned up empty. I'll share some of my friends' stories too. But for now, check out this video for our 5 week series - Empty Promises.

Empty Promises Trailer from Cross Point Church on Vimeo.

What promises have turned up empty for you?

The "Call" to Missions

I often tell people that the times I felt most alive were when I was on the mission field.

Whether it was singing Christmas carols at the local nursing home, ministering to the homeless on the streets of New York City, or leading worship at the U.S. Army base in Heidelberg, Germany, through each experience [no matter how uncomfortable I was] I was able to sit back and honestly say: "This is what I was made for."

I grew up in a church committed to missions, and attended a Christian school that fostered an evangelism program. The opportunities were there and, once involved, I had several people playing the name game when it came to my specific "calling" as a Christian.

Since moving to Nashville one year ago, I have attended Cross Point Church. Over the past few weeks we've been diving into who we are as a church and where we are going: our DNA.

We at Crosspoint are...

...radically devoted to Christ,

...irrevocably committed to one another,

...and relentlessly dedicated to reaching the lost.


Relentlessly dedicated to reaching the lost. To most church-goers that probably just sounds like Crosspoint has an intense missions program. But let's get one thing straight, reaching the lost isn't a program at Crosspoint; it's the reason Crosspoint exists.

When our Pastor, Pete Wilson, spoke on reaching the lost last week, he gave some intense statistics on poverty, sex trafficking, child hunger (and their deaths because of it), and other sick, jacked up issues that are going on this very moment in our world. I could go through all the numbers Pete gave (you can find them here), but honestly, it would be a waste of my time. Let me explain.

Those preventable statistics of disease, hopelessness, rape, hunger, etc won't do a thing to your head or your heart until you're convinced of one thing: it is not about you. For most of you, the life you live has been conveniently tailored to your comfort, your interests, and your happiness. You go to a church you like, listen to a preacher you agree with, and sit next to people you get along with. Your faith may be strong, but its in a God that has blessed you with a white picket fence, 2.5 kids, and a dog. The life you're living from now until eternity is being wasted... on you.

Let's be clear: The "space between" the moment you accept Christ to the moment your time on earth is finished is not about you. It's not about me. If all that mattered was eternal security with God in Heaven, why would we have to live this life at all?

You've been duped into believing that this life is about you, your own personal God, and the beautiful blessings He showers you with. So have I. My schedule shows it. My Facebook and Twitter show it. How I spend my money, my time, and my thoughts show it. I think it's all about me. And guess what, so do you.

As Christians we strive to become more Christlike. That's the goal, right? But there's more.

The transformation we experience as Christ followers is for the sole purpose to change the world. If we do anything less with this life we not only sell ourselves short but end up making this life all about ourselves. (P.Wilson)

More simply put:

If you don't live like you believe your life was created to impact the world, you will miss the point of salvation and sanctification.
-Pete Wilson

You will miss the point.

Matthew 28:19 - "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations."

Mark 16:15 - "He said to them, 'Go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation.'"

Acts 1:8 - "But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses... to the ends of the earth."

As Pete said on Sunday, why else would God give you His spirit? So you can get goosebumps? So you can get hyped up during a good worship service? Jesus says in John 14:12, "I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these because I am going to the Father."

The point of sanctification?

Go.

The reason for His spirit?

To change the world.

Somewhere along the way the church turned missions into a cute program that gets shoved into the corner for the "specifically called."

Missions was never intended to be a program in the Church, for it is the only reason the Church exists.

Don't you get it? This world is jacked up, suffering and hopeless and it is your responsibility to change it. It is my responsibility. The moment we received God's grace is the very moment we are to give it to another. We are to take His hope, comfort, and light and go to a dark, hopeless place and show them what it looks like. The world is hopeless for they have not yet seen what it looks like. Who can you show it to?

I often tell people that the times I felt most alive were when I was on the mission field.

And now I understand why. I was doing what I was created to do.

I'm not exempt to the calling, and neither are you.


So my challenge for you is going to be the same challenge I gave myself:

Instead of just being receivers of God's grace, be an agent of it. Make your life not about you.