Approval Addicts: I Wasn't Skinny Enough

In my life- in ministry, work, and friendships- the one commonality I have found among woman is simple: we're insecure. Take even the most successful, attractive women in your life and more often than not you'll find that their size, weight, nose, or hips drives them insane. Some, it eats them alive. And men, you're not exempt either, are you?

But in the theme of "Approval Addicts", the topic of looks and that particular insecurity continually creeps up. People would really love me if I look like her... And yet, we sweep it under the rug and go on with our day as if nothing is wrong.

I'm guilty of it. It's a large part of my addiction story.

And it's a big part of Amy's. Here's her story, in her own words:

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Growing up I had the stereotypical "perfect family." My parents were extremely involved in our lives, my brother and I were closer than most (mainly out of necessity because of moving so often,) we were involved in sports, clubs, theater, music, pretty much anything you could think of. We were that "go to" family when things needed to get done. So, it would seem we were supportive, caring, nurturing, etc...We loved everyone, they loved us, and we loved each other.

I can't remember a day since I was 12 when the topic of my weight didn't come up, though. Even when I was at my smallest I was told I could keep losing and it wasn't enough. My daily routine consisted of waking up at 4am to measure out my food to bring to school, head to swim practice for a couple hours, eat a banana on the bus from the pool to school, class, eat my measured out (to the calorie) lunch, finish classes, go straight to play rehearsals/choir/church, go home, eat my special dinners while the rest of the family could eat whatever and how much of whatever they wanted, homework, bed and then it would start all over again the next day.

Sometimes my parents hired personal trainers for me and squished them in after whatever afterschool activity I was in at the time. My life revolved around controlling my weight and I didn't mind because at least when I was working out my hardest I didn't have to hear about it.

My mom is 5'4'', was 90lbs when she got married and has no idea how hard it is for me. My dad gave me these genes. I look just like the women in his family. The men however, don't have this problem. I don't want you to get this wrong though, my parents love me. They love me more than anything in this world. I just don't think they knew how to approach it. Instead of taking the "concerned about your health" route, they used the "you don't want to look like your cousins" which in my mind, because of hearing it all the time, I felt like I already did and needed to lose weight so I didn't anymore.

When I went off to college and didn't have to see them every day I started splurging. Over the years I've gained a little, then a little more, and a little more, and here I am about 50lbs more than I was when I started college.

Does it kill me every day? Yes.
Do I realize I was born this way? Yes.
Does the fact that God gave me these genes give me any comfort? Not at all.

I know I can't expect him to fix it. I have to do it myself but sometimes the hardest thing in life is to look at your whole family and realize you're the fat kid. Every single member of my family has said something to me about it. I'm fearful every moment I'm with them that they're going to bring it up because I'm just so tired of hearing it. My dad works out in Egypt at the moment and every email I get from my dad has something about "how's the diet going?" "have you lost any weight?" "still doing kickboxing?" and it breaks my heart.

I'll get it all under control one day but I guess my biggest issue and why I've somewhat been a serial dater is because of my wanting to feel pretty. I want someone to tell me I'm beautiful and perfect just the way I am. That's what every girl wants.

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Amy's story resonates with so many of ours, doesn't it? Great parents, great family, but that one thing was never right. Or maybe it was a boyfriend who made you feel inadequate, not pretty enough, left you for someone else. Or maybe, the culprit is you. You've convinced yourself you'll never be skinny enough, pretty enough, loved enough... so you work out harder, eat less, and become so consumed with your appearance.

Maybe then you'll find the approval you've been looking for.

But might I remind you, and encourage you with this:

You were fearfully and wonderfully made. God loves you for who you are, because He formed you Himself. So go to Him, sit at His feet, and feel the love and approval of the King.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
Matthew 11:28