If you had the chance to read yesterday's post, you now understand what I mean about my friends and I getting real about such an extremely serious topic. We're tired of being tired, exhausted of pretending we love everything about ourselves, and desperate to shine light in the deepest corners of our hearts.
Yesterday, Maryanne shared part of her story, and her struggle to love herself.
Today, it's Keisha's turn.
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I grew up in a wonderful loving home. My parents never made me feel like I wasn't loved or good enough in anyway. They still are beyond encouraging and uplifting. I had an older brother who was outgoing, fun, got straight A's in school, everybody loved Kyle. Growing up I always looked up to him, I wanted to be just like him, but I could never quite get there (maybe because I wasn't him! I was me, but I didn't like me, so I desperately wanted to be like him). I was quiet, reserved, beyond shy. It was crippling, I didn't want anyone to notice me because I didn't want them to realize I wasn't worth their time. I was constantly intimidated by everyone around me. I always thought they were so much better than me, that they had what I didn't, and there was no reason they would want to be around me. I missed out on opportunities because I was afraid of what those around me would think of me. So I just sat on the sidelines.
As I got older and into high school it got better. I went to a fairly small Christian school so it was easier for me to be myself, my classmates became my family. But to anyone outside those school doors I hid myself.
I had a defense mechanism. When someone wanted to get to know me, wanted to be my friend, even a boy I was "interested" in, I would act like I couldn't care less. Like nothing they did affected me one way or the other, because if I didn't care, I couldn't get hurt when they realized I wasn't worth it. In doing this I drove so many people away. I missed out of relationships and people who could have been such a blessing in my life because I didn't want to let them in, while inside I was desperately crying out for them to like me, to see past it all and work to break through.
I have so many regrets in regards to this, so many "what if's" because I was afraid of what they would think if they saw the real me. Anytime a good guy would be interested in me I would ask "Why in the world does he like me? I don't get it." So then I would shut down, and push him away. When it didn't work out I would always tell myself "See, he just didn't know you yet, that's why he liked you. As soon as he saw the real you, he saw what you really are. Not enough." I still struggle with this so much. I don't do things I really want to do because I am afraid of what everyone else will think of me, or I don't want to make a fool out of myself.
Around this time is when "looks" started to become a part of it. I felt like I HAD to look a certain way all the time, I mean ALL the time. That way, maybe people would just see that part and not notice I wasn't any fun, or didn't have the right personality. It started to consume me too, I was always worrying about how I looked because if that fell through what did I have? (even though I still didn't believe I ever looked good enough either. I still hated most of the things about how I looked). So I was always longing for someone to tell me I was pretty, or dressed cute, or something- anything to affirm that I was at least getting one thing right.
Even though I feel like I am getting better at letting people in I don't worry any less about what they think of me. I still desperately need their approval to feel ok about myself. But having a community to walk through, wrestle and beat this with makes the journey ahead seem much more doable. I know God hates this, he wants to heal it, and he's not going to let me ignore it anymore. So here we go, it's finally time for a real change.
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What about you? Isn't it time for a real change? Don't let what secretly eats you alive have power over you any more.
Cast your cares on Him. He can be trusted. And you can be free.
Don't you want to be free?
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