Approval Addicts: Because I Don't Love Myself

When it comes to seeking approval, most people assume its due to a lack of love in one's life. But for some, the amount of love in their lives has nothing to do with their addiction to approval. Sometimes they become so destructive to themselves that the only way to survive is to hear it from others.

This is the case for Maryanne, a young woman who is so near and dear to my heart. Although we've only known each other for a few months, I know one thing for certain: she is a beautiful, gifted, and talented girl who God blessed with quite possibly the greatest sense of humor.

What's shocking, though, is that she struggles daily to believe that to be true.

Here's Maryanne's story, in her own words:

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Let's be honest, here. The truth? I can't be by myself because I hate myself. I seek acceptance from friendships and people - I want them to like me because I don't like myself. I've spent years turning hatred for myself into an art form. When someone gives me a compliment, I accept them, thank the person, but what's worse is I take what they said and twist their genuine meaning and heartfelt words into dark, molasses-covered hate - turning them over and over until they turn into sticky, sludge-drenched words. Over time, these words have formed a swamp of what used to be my heart. A swamp that I choose to walk through daily, even though I don't have to. You're ugly. You're stupid. You're fat. You're not good enough. No man will ever love you. My heart has become a daily, repeating broken-record hell of my own making. It's no wonder I never feel close to God. I've become trapped in a hell of my own making, and I'm not sure how to get out.

Those are some ugly words that I've never said in my head, let alone out loud. I've swept them under a rug, closed the door to that room and piled barricades in front of it. My secret shame that I've practiced for well over a decade of my life. I pour into others not for their approval necessarily, but instead hoping that the love I give them will somehow bounce back to me, shine on me, fulfill me. But still I am empty.

I felt like Pete's sermon finally gave me permission to stop the treadmill of self-hatred I've been running on. I feel like I can breathe for the first time in years. As extroverted as my personality appears, there is so much I internalize, so I stopped today. I have sat alone with myself for hours, something I have never done in my adult life. I haven't drowned out my thoughts with television, music, or distraction. I called my mom and admitted my self-hate, something my parents have watched me battle for years. I asked a friend from Stretch to pray for me instead of hiding behind my shame. I talked to God honestly for the first time in years.

I am nowhere near "fixed", yet. In fact, I won't be for a long time. I can't imagine beginning to erase or replace things I have convinced myself of since I was a child. And on top of that, there is something I'm struggling with that I can't yet admit to many of my friends. But Sunday night, as we closed with worship, I couldn't help but hear these questions ring in my ears:

What if I let Him in?

What if I was enough?

What if I let Him love me?

What if I let myself love Him?

And probably the loudest: What if I started loving myself?

What if? What would I possibly have to lose?

It's a start. It's a step. It's time to push aside the barricades and let in the light.

In my love, be lifted high...

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As I heard Maryanne's story, my heart broke. Not only because a beautiful, gifted daughter of the King has spent her life believing lies and darkness, but because I can only imagine how many of us do the same thing to ourselves on a daily basis.

But in Maryanne's courage of opening up, she has done the most liberating action any one of us can do: shed light in a dark place. Darkness cannot exist in light, and the moment we realize we can conquer our fears, insecurities, and sins by the mere act of letting light in is the moment we are set free.

Cast all your cares upon Him, for He cares for you.
1 Peter 5:7


Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you.
Psalm 55:22

So what is your story? What dark, cobwebbed corner of your heart needs a little light?

Let the darkness flee... It's got no power over me...